It’s not a secret that I’ve hit rock bottom before.
What I didn’t tell you is that after I let Jesus bring me back to shore, after He put me back together, I hit rock bottom again. This time, in a deeper hole than before.

One of the things Christians don’t talk about enough is how hard this walk with Christ actually is.

We talk a lot about how Jesus saved us from this and delivered us from that. We say, “Jesus loves you,” and sometimes we act like that’s all a person needs to know when they come to Christ and make Him their Lord and Saviour. And while that truth matters deeply, I promised myself when I started this blog I would tell you the truth, gently.

And the truth is: choosing Jesus everyday is not as easy as it seems.

There are seasons where you’re barely making it through,  crawling out of one place just to fall into the next. And then there are seasons filled with joy and abundance. Those are the ones we talk about most. Not the seasons that had us on our hands and knees, begging. Pleading with God to help us. The days when faith feels like a chore instead of a privilege. When prayer and reading the Bible don’t even feel like options in our busy lives.

Or worse,  the seasons where we finally lay our burdens at His feet, only to turn around and pick them right back up again. Only this time, they’re heavier than before.

The seasons where we rely on our own strength because we think God has forsaken us, when in reality, He has started carrying us.

There was a season in my life when I couldn’t hear the Holy Spirit at all. I thought He had left me in the moment I needed Him most, so I started relying on myself, my emotions, my so-called wisdom. What I didn’t realise at the time was that the Holy Spirit was still there. The lies of the enemy were just louder. Anxiety buzzed so constantly that I couldn’t hear truth over the noise.

My fears were leading me, not His Spirit.

The enemy has a way of planting lies in your mind that sound so much like your own voice that you stop knowing the difference between truth and deception. And in a space where truth feels like a lie and lies feel like truth, I didn’t know who to trust, so I leaned on myself. Exactly what the enemy wanted.

What makes this even harder is that the season before that one, I was on fire for God. I wanted to tell everyone about Him. I prayed for hours. I lived in my Bible. I was falling more and more in love with Him every day.

Until hours turned into minutes.
Until my Bible collected dust in the corner of my room.
Until that love dwindled to tolerance.

The enemy didn’t break me down before I followed the Lord, he worked on me after. And what hurt the most wasn’t even the attack itself. It was realising there was still a weakness in me he could reach.

It’s hard to have faith when you’ve watched Jesus put you back together, just for you to break again. After a while, shame creeps in. You start to feel embarrassed showing your face to Him, like His effort was wasted on you. Like you weren’t worth the time He spent restoring you.

You start to wonder if this cycle of pain will ever end. If you have to walk through the same season over and over again. You wonder why rest feels so distant, why even in seasons of joy and peace, pain and suffering still seem to haunt you.

But Scripture says:

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
— Psalm 30:5

Let me hold your hand when I say this.

It’s okay to break again.
And honestly, I just did.

There’s a part of me that wishes I didn’t have to say that out loud. That wishes I could end this with certainty instead of confession. But right now, this is where I am.

As I rest at His feet, I’m learning to be still enough to hear His voice again. And even in the middle of the breaking, I hear Him telling me that joy is coming. Not because I’ve done anything right. Not because I’ve finally figured it out. But because He is faithful. So for now, I’m holding on to that.
And if you’re here too, maybe we can hold on together.